I was recently talking to a friend who is in HR about (invented) maladies that no one will question. Here’s our list….

OP here: At the last minute I had to include something about female problems, so we have FOUR options for calling in sick.

"Projectile vomiting."

Please stay home!

[quote] Explosive diarrhea.

Will this be a good diversion to skip debates and duck interviews?

Most GI-related maladies are accepted without much explanation.

Migraine headaches seem to be accepted, in recent times. I've only ever had one headache that was so bad that I'd call it a "migraine." I became sensitive to light and it felt like something was happening behind one of my eyeballs.

A guy on my staff called out with the excuse, "my dog has the flu." I literally LOL'd. He had been calling out a lot with lame excuses (I tripped running for the subway). His sister was also a manager, who I liked, so I cut him slack. I moved on to another company, a friend took my old position. Turns out the guy had a huge drinking problem, he was only in his mid-twenties. I was very naive about alcoholism back then.

"Female problems" only used with a male manager.

Fibro Flare

Food poisoning is a good one. It’s over in a day, not contagious, and no one ever questions it.

I've been retired for some time and don't understand why anyone would explain their healthcare to lowly employees. Get a note from your doctor, no questions asked. The end.

I contracted bad cases of the vapors occasionally. They seemed to center in my stomach.

I've used food poisoning a few times.

My market has a food bar I often pick up dinner from, so it's an explanation.

My work loves me.

Mental health day

FIBROMYALGIA!!!!

[quote] Turns out the guy had a huge drinking problem

That's what I was thinking. A string of creative stories that are plausible, separately.

Another reason for a string of creative stories is domestic violence.

[quote] Get a note from your doctor, no questions asked. The end.

The goal is to call in sick, NOT go to the doctor, and still give a plausible reason why you're out.

Mug cradling accident.

A couple of times I told the truth: I was cleaning the house and I didn’t want to stop. Usually it was gastroenteritis. Could be anything and they don’t want details.

One thing I will lie about^^

Never explain.

Call on or send the briefest possible message:

"I'm not feeling well and am going to stay home today."

"I'm not feeling well and am going to take this as a sick day. I'll let you know if I'm not feeling better for tomorrow."

That's the limit of your obligation. Assuming you don't do in this three times a month, every month, what's the problem? Do employers really want/need to know the nature of your problem, the exact reading of your temperature, the liquid/solid ratio of your vomit, the explosiveness of your diarrhea?

"And while I have you on the phone, I have to take next Friday off for some personal business."

The more you explain, the more ridiculous (and demeaning) it seems.

Woke up with a big hemmy, can't really sit well today

I just send an email: "I'm out sick, today." I don't explain what happened to me. One of my coworkers will text with a description of what's going on. E.g.: a friend died and she (coworker) needs some time to "navigate" this situation. I know it sounds cold for me to say this, but it's too much drama, sometimes. We have a pretty generous leave policy, so I'm all about people using leave, especially myself. I don't need the explanations.

I'm having a problem with my eyes - can't see myself coming in today.

I'm suicidal today.

The dog has shat inappropriately.

Pink eye.

All of these can be combined into one statement.

" I am an immature emotionally weak person. I will forever be blaming others for my lack of success and financial stability."

I can’t stop shitting.

R12,

I’m a mental health nurse in the UK, and mental health days are an impossible dream! I have friends who emigrated to Australia (different states with their own legislation), and they can request them. It would be a civilised move, especially when you have had a run of stressful days.

[quote]R21 I just send an email: "I'm out sick, today."

Does the unnecessary comma make it seem more authentically lightheaded?

Where do you guys work where HR has to “accept” that you’re ill? Are you in the Soviet Union?

r30 Clearly people are just having fun with this silly post. I hope your day improves.

Clearly.

[quote] Get a note from your doctor, no questions asked. The end.

r32 You're embarrassed now, but it's no big deal - really. Have fun today!

R28 is not a literal defined day off. It’s a standard phrase used informally.

"I was at a freak off this weekend, and I'm still sore and woozy."

I stopped my Macy’s on my way home last night, and I was mouth-raped.

R25, that's a good one, nobody wants that shit near them.

Rona